So you think you've found the love of your life? Congratulations! Mazel tov! Many high fives to you! Now, march that hot little butt off yours straight to the race track and put all your money on the other guy's horse.
That's right. You heard me. All of it. Every last dime, including that one you stuck your ABC gum to and hid under the couch.
Why, you ask? Because if you think you've found The One, your soul mate, the parent of your future children, the person you were meant for, you are probably wrong. We're talking 2+2=73 wrong. Making your toast underwater wrong. Kaley Cuoco with blunt bangs wrong.
Sorry to burst your bubble. Next round is on me.
Face it: 91.8% (give or take) of all relationships fail miserably. That cute girl you dated in college? She's on twelve different prescriptions to keep her from sitting on the water fountain singing the Barney theme song. That dreamy hunk in the sales department? Puts on a pair of pumps every Saturday night and serves up cocktails as "Sabrina." Oh, and that hottie you've been making eyes at all week? Your second cousin, on the wrong side.
So you see, love is not on your side. Cupid has cashed in his 401k and bought a houseboat. You, my friend, are shit out of luck.
Probably.
There does exist that teeny tiny 8.2% chance for a successful relationship. It's very rare (keep in mind that your grandparents are eating up a good chunk of that 8%) but every once in a while two fortunate souls find each other in the hubbub of life and live moderately happily ever after. If you think you may happen to have found yourself in this unique situation, good for you! I'm sorry you lost your wedding fund betting on a horse named Tugboat. Don't know what made you think that was a good idea.....
If you do think you've found the real deal, please consider taking some advice from me:
1. Keep it in Your Pants.
I know you don't want to, but do it anyway. Sounds corny, but the longer you wait the more special (and exciting) it will be. If things do work out you'll have plenty of time for crazy hot animal sex later. No need to whip out all your moves on the third date. Take it sloooow and enjoy the seductive process of getting to know each other.....and teasing each other with the prospect of the slightest touch.
2. Have a Talk.
While I don't recommend gazing into your lover's eyes 47 minutes into the first date and asking, "Where do you see this going?" I absolutely condone bringing up important topics as you start getting serious. You should find out where you partner stands on marriage, kids, religion, politics, and long-term goals before you go picking out a china pattern. Even something as simple as dog person vs. cat person can be a deal-breaker in the long run. It's better to find out now than have your pooch eat their cat six months in.
3. Live Life Together.
No, I don't mean shacking up (if you get there, great, but you're not there yet), I mean actually living your lives intertwined. When he has a bad day does he call you or does he go for a couple of drinks with the guys? When she's gone batcrap crazy in the name of PMS do you head for the hills or the Haagen-Dazs? Have you been through hell and back together? Until you can answer those question with an emphatic "yes!" and twelve stories about the shit you've drudged through together, I forbid you to go diamond shopping. The ultimate goal for romance is usually finding someone to share a lifetime with, and you need to be 100% positive your bond can handle the force of whatever might be thrown at you during that lifetime. </soapbox>
Now, before I leave you all disheartened and hating my guts, I will tell you that I am NOT successful in relationships. If you want to tell me I'm wrong (we're talking your-dog-went-to-live-on-a-farm wrong), by all means, let me have it. But if you've had bad luck in relationships, maybe, just maybe, consider taking a couple of my pointers and let me know how it works out for you.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
10 Signs You Might Be Stressed
1. You just put your milk in the cupboard.
2. You rush through your morning routine only to arrive at work at a fashionably late 9:22am....on Saturday.
3. You've eaten nothing but Fritos and coffee for three days.
4. You're pretty sure you washed your hair twice this morning because you might have forgotten about the first time while you were in the shower.
5. Your boss tells you his presentation is in the bag. You spend the rest of your day looking for the bag.
6. A bottle of Tums has taken up residence in your purse, and in your car, and in your office drawer, and on your bathroom counter.
7. Your doctor asks if the bulging muscle in your neck is where you swallowed your twin in the womb.
8. You are seriously considering giving your ex a call because you had such good times together (aside from that thing where he kind of slept with that slut Amy while you went out of town, but maybe if you had phone sex like he asked when you went to visit your aunt in Ohio for a long weekend it never would have happened).
9. Your shoes match your belt (and your purse--good for you!) but you forgot to put on a bra.
10. Last night you had a dream about canoe shopping with Bugs Bunny and Sheldon Cooper.
2. You rush through your morning routine only to arrive at work at a fashionably late 9:22am....on Saturday.
3. You've eaten nothing but Fritos and coffee for three days.
4. You're pretty sure you washed your hair twice this morning because you might have forgotten about the first time while you were in the shower.
5. Your boss tells you his presentation is in the bag. You spend the rest of your day looking for the bag.
6. A bottle of Tums has taken up residence in your purse, and in your car, and in your office drawer, and on your bathroom counter.
7. Your doctor asks if the bulging muscle in your neck is where you swallowed your twin in the womb.
8. You are seriously considering giving your ex a call because you had such good times together (aside from that thing where he kind of slept with that slut Amy while you went out of town, but maybe if you had phone sex like he asked when you went to visit your aunt in Ohio for a long weekend it never would have happened).
9. Your shoes match your belt (and your purse--good for you!) but you forgot to put on a bra.
10. Last night you had a dream about canoe shopping with Bugs Bunny and Sheldon Cooper.
Monday, July 1, 2013
New Years Resolutions: Check-in
Can you believe 2013 is half gone?
I thought it would be fitting to have a mid-way check-in on the 2013 goals I set at the beginning of the year.
1. Learn to Drink
My birthday isn't until next month, so I haven't done this one yet, BUT the plans are in the works! I'll be hitting two different bars in Boston this fall, plus I've officially been invited to my first kegger, AND everyone I work with is completely stoked and determined to get me hammered. Not sure I'll let them (because getting drunk with your coworkers couldn't possibly have any bad ramifications), but it's nice to see them excited with me.
2. Find a Boyfriend
Well.....my big crush just moved back into town. I don't think he's figured it out yet (damn boys and their thick skulls) but I did steal a very nice bear hug upon his arrival.
3. Save Money
I'm slightly strapped for cash this week, thanks to a glitch in the payroll processing system and my car insurance bill showing up, but my savings account is much larger than it was at the beginning of the year. In fact, I've almost doubled my money. Not that I was sitting on a huge pile of doubloons to begin with, but still.
4. Keep Tabs on Money
That went great.....for four months. Then I slacked off. Then I stopped. Now I'm kicking myself. Hopefully I will be able to retrace my steps and key in most of my expenditures thanks to the wonders of online banking, but I know I'm not 100% spot-on.
5. Get Out More
*cough* So. *cough* Yeah. *clearsthroat* How's your dog? I don't have a dog. Mostly because I never get out. My couch and I have been spending plenty of quality bonding time together. Did you know the internet has interesting stuff in it?
What about you? How are your resolutions coming along? Setting any mid-year goals?
I thought it would be fitting to have a mid-way check-in on the 2013 goals I set at the beginning of the year.
1. Learn to Drink
My birthday isn't until next month, so I haven't done this one yet, BUT the plans are in the works! I'll be hitting two different bars in Boston this fall, plus I've officially been invited to my first kegger, AND everyone I work with is completely stoked and determined to get me hammered. Not sure I'll let them (because getting drunk with your coworkers couldn't possibly have any bad ramifications), but it's nice to see them excited with me.
2. Find a Boyfriend
Well.....my big crush just moved back into town. I don't think he's figured it out yet (damn boys and their thick skulls) but I did steal a very nice bear hug upon his arrival.
3. Save Money
I'm slightly strapped for cash this week, thanks to a glitch in the payroll processing system and my car insurance bill showing up, but my savings account is much larger than it was at the beginning of the year. In fact, I've almost doubled my money. Not that I was sitting on a huge pile of doubloons to begin with, but still.
4. Keep Tabs on Money
That went great.....for four months. Then I slacked off. Then I stopped. Now I'm kicking myself. Hopefully I will be able to retrace my steps and key in most of my expenditures thanks to the wonders of online banking, but I know I'm not 100% spot-on.
5. Get Out More
*cough* So. *cough* Yeah. *clearsthroat* How's your dog? I don't have a dog. Mostly because I never get out. My couch and I have been spending plenty of quality bonding time together. Did you know the internet has interesting stuff in it?
What about you? How are your resolutions coming along? Setting any mid-year goals?
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Notes From a Chipotle Virgin: a restaurant review
Guess where I had dinner tonight? Go on, guess! Okay, I'll give you a hint:
Oh, you're never gonna guess. I'll just tell you:
Chipotle!
<insert oohs and aahs and drooling here>
Although we've had a Chipotle in my town for a good three years now, tonight was the first time I gave it a whirl. The verdict: yum!
Oh, you're never gonna guess. I'll just tell you:
Chipotle!
<insert oohs and aahs and drooling here>
Although we've had a Chipotle in my town for a good three years now, tonight was the first time I gave it a whirl. The verdict: yum!
I ordered the veggie burrito bowl with brown rice, fajita vegetables, lettuce, cheese, and tomatillo-green chili salsa. To round out the experience I also ordered chips with tomatilo-red chili salsa and a bottle of Izze sparkling blackberry juice. The burrito bowl was absolutely delicious, the chips were a little limey but otherwise good, but the salsa with red chilies was terrible.
My roommate ordered barbacoa (shredded beef) tacos on flour tortillas with lettuce, cheese, and tomatillo-green chili salsa. He told me there wasn't enough cheese for his liking, but since he's a self-professed cheeseaholic I wouldn't let that hold you back.
The entire meal cost us $20, which is a little high for "fast" food, but quite low considering it's healthy, enormously portioned, and the service is great. I assume we'll be revisiting Chipotle again soon....we'll probably also attempt to recreate the burrito bowl at home at some point.
Are you a Chipotle addict? What do you typically order?
Monday, June 24, 2013
Staples Does it Again!
I have discovered a revolutionary new material. A material so versatile and useful it may grow to change the very world as we know it.
In this scientific masterpiece many of our basic needs are met simultaneously.
- You can use it to beautify your space.
- You can use it to keep your home dirt and stain free.
- You can use it as a protective wrap for your favorite possessions.
- You can even eat it!
The best part? It's affordable and accessible! Prices start at just $38.49 and can be purchased online from www.staples.com. Yes, that's right, folks! It's the office supply retailer we felt so fondly about in My Rant About Staples.
I am proud to present to you, for the first time here on K.Liz Blogs, Staples 40# Butcher Paper.
Straight from the Staples website:
- Available in various sizes.
- Use as a sandwich/lunchmeat.
- Use as plant/floral.
- Use as a general wrap.
- Use as disposable table covers.
- FDA approved!
Once again, lady grammar slays another victim. The word-for-word excerpt from Staples actually reads "Staples Butcher Paper, 40#. Available in various sizes. Use as a sandwich/lunchmeat, plant/floral, general wrap or as disposable table covers. Near neutral ph. Low sulfur. FDA approved." I'm sure they meant to say "Use as an all-purpose wrap for sandwiches, florals, and more!" but alas, they didn't. They chose to sell lunchmeat made from paper pulp.
If any of you happen to order this butcher paper and call the Staples hotline to complain about the poor texture of your latest sandwich topping, please, please, please tell me all about it. You can be my new best friend. Maybe I'll even buy you a sandwich made from 100% dead animal lunchmeat. You know, just to make up for the misleading information.
In this scientific masterpiece many of our basic needs are met simultaneously.
- You can use it to beautify your space.
- You can use it to keep your home dirt and stain free.
- You can use it as a protective wrap for your favorite possessions.
- You can even eat it!
The best part? It's affordable and accessible! Prices start at just $38.49 and can be purchased online from www.staples.com. Yes, that's right, folks! It's the office supply retailer we felt so fondly about in My Rant About Staples.
I am proud to present to you, for the first time here on K.Liz Blogs, Staples 40# Butcher Paper.
Straight from the Staples website:
- Available in various sizes.
- Use as a sandwich/lunchmeat.
- Use as plant/floral.
- Use as a general wrap.
- Use as disposable table covers.
- FDA approved!
Once again, lady grammar slays another victim. The word-for-word excerpt from Staples actually reads "Staples Butcher Paper, 40#. Available in various sizes. Use as a sandwich/lunchmeat, plant/floral, general wrap or as disposable table covers. Near neutral ph. Low sulfur. FDA approved." I'm sure they meant to say "Use as an all-purpose wrap for sandwiches, florals, and more!" but alas, they didn't. They chose to sell lunchmeat made from paper pulp.
If any of you happen to order this butcher paper and call the Staples hotline to complain about the poor texture of your latest sandwich topping, please, please, please tell me all about it. You can be my new best friend. Maybe I'll even buy you a sandwich made from 100% dead animal lunchmeat. You know, just to make up for the misleading information.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Got Grammar?
Hello Internet. How are you? I am fine. I am also an idiot.
I stumbled upon a very embarrassing discovery yesterday.
Got is not a word.
Yes, that's right. You read me correctly.
Got is not a word.
Oh, sure, it's in the dictionary, but I find that more of a joke than anything else. (BTW, did you know the word "gullible" is not in 97% of American dictionaries? Not even kidding!)
Do you think got is a word? If so, I challenge you to use it in a sentence. You know, a sentence with proper and efficient grammar.
Example:
"I just got a new puppy."
Correction:
"I have a new puppy."
Example:
"She got old."
Correction:
"She grew old."
Example:
"I got my hair cut yesterday."
Correction:
"I had my hair cut yesterday."
Example:
"I got sick."
Correction:
"I was/am sick."
Example:
"Got milk?"
Correction:
"Dost thou possess that which flows from the bovine's udder?"
You know what's even worse than "got"? "I've got." Do you realize that "I've" means "I have"? Do you realize that saying "I have got" is absurdly redundant? Do you also realize that saying "I have got" is a waste of time, considering that saying "I have" was most likely all you needed to say to convey your point?
It's like asking "Where is it at?"
Oh, great goblins, the gramatical horrors that surround me!
I think I shall go eat my lunch.
I stumbled upon a very embarrassing discovery yesterday.
Got is not a word.
Yes, that's right. You read me correctly.
Got is not a word.
Oh, sure, it's in the dictionary, but I find that more of a joke than anything else. (BTW, did you know the word "gullible" is not in 97% of American dictionaries? Not even kidding!)
Do you think got is a word? If so, I challenge you to use it in a sentence. You know, a sentence with proper and efficient grammar.
Example:
"I just got a new puppy."
Correction:
"I have a new puppy."
Example:
"She got old."
Correction:
"She grew old."
Example:
"I got my hair cut yesterday."
Correction:
"I had my hair cut yesterday."
Example:
"I got sick."
Correction:
"I was/am sick."
Example:
"Got milk?"
Correction:
"Dost thou possess that which flows from the bovine's udder?"
You know what's even worse than "got"? "I've got." Do you realize that "I've" means "I have"? Do you realize that saying "I have got" is absurdly redundant? Do you also realize that saying "I have got" is a waste of time, considering that saying "I have" was most likely all you needed to say to convey your point?
It's like asking "Where is it at?"
Oh, great goblins, the gramatical horrors that surround me!
I think I shall go eat my lunch.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Green Thumb Auditions, take 2
Guess what I did this weekend....
Have you guessed yet?
These are purple and yellow petunias with sweet potato vine.
Last time I tried to plant something (a year ago) it kicked the bucket, so to speak, within weeks.
Hopefully this latest experiment in agriculture will prove to be slightly more successful.
How are your gardens looking this season?
Have you guessed yet?
These are purple and yellow petunias with sweet potato vine.
Last time I tried to plant something (a year ago) it kicked the bucket, so to speak, within weeks.
Hopefully this latest experiment in agriculture will prove to be slightly more successful.
How are your gardens looking this season?
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