So you think you've found the love of your life? Congratulations! Mazel tov! Many high fives to you! Now, march that hot little butt off yours straight to the race track and put all your money on the other guy's horse.
That's right. You heard me. All of it. Every last dime, including that one you stuck your ABC gum to and hid under the couch.
Why, you ask? Because if you think you've found The One, your soul mate, the parent of your future children, the person you were meant for, you are probably wrong. We're talking 2+2=73 wrong. Making your toast underwater wrong. Kaley Cuoco with blunt bangs wrong.
Sorry to burst your bubble. Next round is on me.
Face it: 91.8% (give or take) of all relationships fail miserably. That cute girl you dated in college? She's on twelve different prescriptions to keep her from sitting on the water fountain singing the Barney theme song. That dreamy hunk in the sales department? Puts on a pair of pumps every Saturday night and serves up cocktails as "Sabrina." Oh, and that hottie you've been making eyes at all week? Your second cousin, on the wrong side.
So you see, love is not on your side. Cupid has cashed in his 401k and bought a houseboat. You, my friend, are shit out of luck.
Probably.
There does exist that teeny tiny 8.2% chance for a successful relationship. It's very rare (keep in mind that your grandparents are eating up a good chunk of that 8%) but every once in a while two fortunate souls find each other in the hubbub of life and live moderately happily ever after. If you think you may happen to have found yourself in this unique situation, good for you! I'm sorry you lost your wedding fund betting on a horse named Tugboat. Don't know what made you think that was a good idea.....
If you do think you've found the real deal, please consider taking some advice from me:
1. Keep it in Your Pants.
I know you don't want to, but do it anyway. Sounds corny, but the longer you wait the more special (and exciting) it will be. If things do work out you'll have plenty of time for crazy hot animal sex later. No need to whip out all your moves on the third date. Take it sloooow and enjoy the seductive process of getting to know each other.....and teasing each other with the prospect of the slightest touch.
2. Have a Talk.
While I don't recommend gazing into your lover's eyes 47 minutes into the first date and asking, "Where do you see this going?" I absolutely condone bringing up important topics as you start getting serious. You should find out where you partner stands on marriage, kids, religion, politics, and long-term goals before you go picking out a china pattern. Even something as simple as dog person vs. cat person can be a deal-breaker in the long run. It's better to find out now than have your pooch eat their cat six months in.
3. Live Life Together.
No, I don't mean shacking up (if you get there, great, but you're not there yet), I mean actually living your lives intertwined. When he has a bad day does he call you or does he go for a couple of drinks with the guys? When she's gone batcrap crazy in the name of PMS do you head for the hills or the Haagen-Dazs? Have you been through hell and back together? Until you can answer those question with an emphatic "yes!" and twelve stories about the shit you've drudged through together, I forbid you to go diamond shopping. The ultimate goal for romance is usually finding someone to share a lifetime with, and you need to be 100% positive your bond can handle the force of whatever might be thrown at you during that lifetime. </soapbox>
Now, before I leave you all disheartened and hating my guts, I will tell you that I am NOT successful in relationships. If you want to tell me I'm wrong (we're talking your-dog-went-to-live-on-a-farm wrong), by all means, let me have it. But if you've had bad luck in relationships, maybe, just maybe, consider taking a couple of my pointers and let me know how it works out for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment