Garden Update

I have nothing terribly interesting to say today, but my garden (read: the garden my roommate so diligently maintains so that I can eat all the produce and talk about "my" garden on the internet) has been going wild. The gourd vines have stretched outside the garden fence and the pumpkin vines are growing up the corn stalks.

The peppers are gorgeous (there are two on there):

 
The tomato plants aren't doing so hot thanks to the heat:

And I have my first baby cucumber!

How are your gardens faring this year?

DIY All-Natural Toothpaste Review and How-To

In an attempt to detoxify my bathroom I brought my brother over to whip up a batch of healthy homemade toothpaste.

I took to the internet and read up on a variety of DIY toothpaste recipes. I combined a few of them and gathered my ingredients.

 

We decided to use coconut oil, baking soda, and essential oils. Many of the recipes also include sea salt, but because I didn't have any (and I'm not entirely convinced sea salt is the miracle substance its hyped to be) we omitted it.

 

   

We made a single batch of of orange flavored toothpaste (3 tablespoons of baking soda, 3 tablespoons of coconut oil, and ten drops of orange essential oil) and a double batch of peppermint toothpaste (6 tablespoons of baking soda, 6 tablespoons of coconut oil, and 25 drops of peppermint essential oil).

  

We mixed everything up and toted our new toothpaste into the bathroom. We each scooped a little onto our toothbrushes (he tried the orange, I tried the mint) and started brushing.

Approximately four seconds later we started spitting into the sink.

This stuff is DISGUSTING. Absolutely terrible. I'd rather brush my teeth with shampoo. Not kidding. I will NEVER try this again. We were both very disappointed (me especially, since I used up the last of my flouride-packed store bought toothpaste this morning) and decided the only remaining use for this goop was to play a prank on our most accessible nuisance: my roommate (just kidding--I love my roomie). He was a very good sport about it but just as repulsed as we were.

Have you made your own toothpaste? Have you had better luck than we did? Please tell me your secret!

So You Think You're in Love...

So you think you've found the love of your life? Congratulations! Mazel tov! Many high fives to you! Now, march that hot little butt off yours straight to the race track and put all your money on the other guy's horse. 

That's right. You heard me. All of it. Every last dime, including that one you stuck your ABC gum to and hid under the couch. 

Why, you ask? Because if you think you've found The One, your soul mate, the parent of your future children, the person you were meant for, you are probably wrong. We're talking 2+2=73 wrong. Making your toast underwater wrong. Kaley Cuoco with blunt bangs wrong.

Sorry to burst your bubble. Next round is on me.

Face it: 91.8% (give or take) of all relationships fail miserably. That cute girl you dated in college? She's on twelve different prescriptions to keep her from sitting on the water fountain singing the Barney theme song. That dreamy hunk in the sales department? Puts on a pair of pumps every Saturday night and serves up cocktails as "Sabrina." Oh, and that hottie you've been making eyes at all week? Your second cousin, on the wrong side.

So you see, love is not on your side. Cupid has cashed in his 401k and bought a houseboat. You, my friend, are shit out of luck.

Probably.

There does exist that teeny tiny 8.2% chance for a successful relationship. It's very rare (keep in mind that your grandparents are eating up a good chunk of that 8%) but every once in a while two fortunate souls find each other in the hubbub of life and live moderately happily ever after. If you think you may happen to have found yourself in this unique situation, good for you! I'm sorry you lost your wedding fund betting on a horse named Tugboat. Don't know what made you think that was a good idea.....

If you do think you've found the real deal, please consider taking some advice from me:

1. Keep it in Your Pants.
I know you don't want to, but do it anyway. Sounds corny, but the longer you wait the more special (and exciting) it will be. If things do work out you'll have plenty of time for crazy hot animal sex later. No need to whip out all your moves on the third date. Take it sloooow and enjoy the seductive process of getting to know each other.....and teasing each other with the prospect of the slightest touch.

2. Have a Talk.
While I don't recommend gazing into your lover's eyes 47 minutes into the first date and asking, "Where do you see this going?" I absolutely condone bringing up important topics as you start getting serious. You should find out where you partner stands on marriage, kids, religion, politics, and long-term goals before you go picking out a china pattern. Even something as simple as dog person vs. cat person can be a deal-breaker in the long run. It's better to find out now than have your pooch eat their cat six months in.

3. Live Life Together.
No, I don't mean shacking up (if you get there, great, but you're not there yet), I mean actually living your lives intertwined. When he has a bad day does he call you or does he go for a couple of drinks with the guys? When she's gone batcrap crazy in the name of PMS do you head for the hills or the Haagen-Dazs? Have you been through hell and back together? Until you can answer those question with an emphatic "yes!" and twelve stories about the shit you've drudged through together, I forbid you to go diamond shopping. The ultimate goal for romance is usually finding someone to share a lifetime with, and you need to be 100% positive your bond can handle the force of whatever might be thrown at you during that lifetime. </soapbox>

Now, before I leave you all disheartened and hating my guts, I will tell you that I am NOT successful in relationships. If you want to tell me I'm wrong (we're talking your-dog-went-to-live-on-a-farm wrong), by all means, let me have it. But if you've had bad luck in relationships, maybe, just maybe, consider taking a couple of my pointers and let me know how it works out for you.

10 Signs You Might Be Stressed

1. You just put your milk in the cupboard.

2. You rush through your morning routine only to arrive at work at a fashionably late 9:22am....on Saturday.

3. You've eaten nothing but Fritos and coffee for three days.

4. You're pretty sure you washed your hair twice this morning because you might have forgotten about the first time while you were in the shower.

5. Your boss tells you his presentation is in the bag. You spend the rest of your day looking for the bag.

6. A bottle of Tums has taken up residence in your purse, and in your car, and in your office drawer, and on your bathroom counter.

7. Your doctor asks if the bulging muscle in your neck is where you swallowed your twin in the womb.

8. You are seriously considering giving your ex a call because you had such good times together (aside from that thing where he kind of slept with that slut Amy while you went out of town, but maybe if you had phone sex like he asked when you went to visit your aunt in Ohio for a long weekend it never would have happened).

9. Your shoes match your belt (and your purse--good for you!) but you forgot to put on a bra.

10. Last night you had a dream about canoe shopping with Bugs Bunny and Sheldon Cooper.

New Years Resolutions: Check-in

Can you believe 2013 is half gone?

I thought it would be fitting to have a mid-way check-in on the 2013 goals I set at the beginning of the year.

1. Learn to Drink
My birthday isn't until next month, so I haven't done this one yet, BUT the plans are in the works! I'll be hitting two different bars in Boston this fall, plus I've officially been invited to my first kegger, AND everyone I work with is completely stoked and determined to get me hammered. Not sure I'll let them (because getting drunk with your coworkers couldn't possibly have any bad ramifications), but it's nice to see them excited with me.

2. Find a Boyfriend
Well.....my big crush just moved back into town. I don't think he's figured it out yet (damn boys and their thick skulls) but I did steal a very nice bear hug upon his arrival.

3. Save Money
I'm slightly strapped for cash this week, thanks to a glitch in the payroll processing system and my car insurance bill showing up, but my savings account is much larger than it was at the beginning of the year. In fact, I've almost doubled my money. Not that I was sitting on a huge pile of doubloons to begin with, but still.

4. Keep Tabs on Money
That went great.....for four months. Then I slacked off. Then I stopped. Now I'm kicking myself. Hopefully I will be able to retrace my steps and key in most of my expenditures thanks to the wonders of online banking, but I know I'm not 100% spot-on.

5. Get Out More
*cough* So. *cough* Yeah. *clearsthroat* How's your dog? I don't have a dog. Mostly because I never get out. My couch and I have been spending plenty of quality bonding time together. Did you know the internet has interesting stuff in it?

What about you? How are your resolutions coming along? Setting any mid-year goals?