2013 in Review and Resolutions Recap

2013 is almost over. Can you believe it? Here's a quick rundown on how my year went:

Crappy things that happened to me in 2013:

My car was stolen. 

My purse was stolen.

My aunt died.

My grandmother's cancer came back.

I got laid off two days before Thanksgiving.

I had to cancel my vacation to the lodge on the lake in the mountains.

Good things that happened to me in 2013:

I turned 21 and started drinking!

I read Harry Potter for the first time. I'm only in the fourth book now, so no spoilers!

I got two bonuses at work. Ya know, before getting laid off.

I discovered the music of Passenger.

I started a new blog.

I took my brother to the zoo for the first time.

I took my brother to Washington DC for the first time.

I voted for a political candidate I loved.

I got awesome car insurance on my new ride for mega cheap.

Now, let's discuss those New Years Resolutions I made a year ago.

1. Learn to Drink

So far I have learned vodka is only good when icy cold, tequila is best in margaritas, and if you put Captain Morgan in diet caffeine-free Dr. Pepper it actually tastes like Dr. Pepper again. I haven't been hungover yet, nor have a been drunk drunk yet, but I think I'm okay with waiting to experience both of those situations.

2. Find a Boyfriend

This backfired. Had it not backfired to me, myself, it could quite possibly have been hilarious. Let me share with you the story. I had a crush. For, like, two years. My crush left for nine months. When he came back for a weekend, we went out for coffee. When he came back for good I asked him to go check out the meteor shower with me (dark, stars, blanket, field...I thought this had romantic potential). He called me an hour before we were supposed to meet telling me his recently-extracted tooth was killing him and he didn't think he'd be good company. Then I didn't hear from him. Then I heard he had a date with my nemesis. And I fell apart. And then I waited another month or so and asked him (via text) if he was seeing her. He said no. I said, "In that case, do you want to come over for dinner and a movie?" He said yes. We were both busy, though, and had to schedule this almost two weeks in advance. The day before the date we talked on the phone. He was still coming over. The day of the date, two hours before the date, he texted me to say he had to go visit his sick grandpa. I told him to let me know if he needed anything and that we'd reschedule. That was the last I ever heard from him. That was over two months ago. I have since discovered my nemesis was sleeping with him and he told her that I asked him out and she told him not to go. I have decided that he is a scumbag unworthy of my time and that if anybody ever wants to accidentally key my nemisis's car I would be okay with that. 

3. Save Money

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No. See, I actually had a lot of money. I had twice as much money as I started with. Then my car got stolen. Then my insurance company screwed me over. Then I had to buy a new car. With all my savings money. I now have a good 20% less than I started with, which sucks, but I'm still plugging along and putting away the money I can.

4. Keep Tabs on Money

This also flew out the window when my car got stolen. It's kind of depressing to watch all your hard earned and painstakingly saved money get ripped out of your hand by a scummy used car dealer. So I stopped writing down where my money was going. I still kept tabs on my bank account religiously to make sure I was well in the black and now wackos were using my cards, but I was much more passive about tracking the second half of the year.

5. Get Out More

This was a total fail. Like, total. You know what the opposite of getting out more is? Being unemployed and living on your couch in your jammies at least 50% of the time. Now, I'm not complaining, I like my jammies, but I should probably make a more concerted effort to leave the house in the future.

Ordinarily this would be the part of the post where I ask you how your new years resolutions turned out. Instead, I am going to ask you to (please) post your most discouraging boy story for the rest of us to laugh at. I could use some company feeling like an idiot in the romance department.

A Peek Into My Brother's Stoking (aka: budget friendly stocking stuffers for 8 year old boys)

Every year I put together my brother's stocking.

Every year I swear his stocking shrinks.

Here's all the gear I bought to stuff into his stocking this year:

Here's all the gear that didn't fit:

That's actually pretty good, if you ask me. I have ninja stocking stuffing skillz.

Here's a rundown on what actually made it in, and the prices:

Packs of Plastic Cutlery - I was hanging out with my brother last week when he poured himself a bowl of cereal and then began to rummage around in the back of a drawer, emerging with a plastic spoon he stole from the local frozen yogurt place. I come to find out he has entire collection of different colored spoons from the frozen yogurt place. The frozen yogurt place has since gone out of business. (Not because he was stealing spoons, I promise.) I decided to take it upon myself to enhance his collection with three packs of forks, spoons, and knives.
Price: $0.97 per pack of 24 pieces.

Plastic Cups - I found a pack of really cute snowman cups that match his skeleton cups from Halloween.
Price: $0.98 per pack of 4 cups.

Spikey Light-up Ball - It bounces. It flashes. It will hurt when he chucks it at his other sister. It's perfect.
Price: $1.00

Watch - When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he told me he wanted a watch, but he didn't want a digital watch and he wanted it to have a soft band (not like mine). I had a bear of a time trying to find an easy-read analog watch that was small enough to not cause scoliosis. Finally I found a women's watch (shhhh!) that fit the bill. I chose to use it as a stocking stuffer instead of a present since nothing is worse than opening a really boring present and going "Oh, wow, it's greeeeat, thanks..."
Price: $9.98

Magnifying Glass - I don't think frying ants and plastic army men with a magnifying glass is still cool, but you never know.
Price: $0.94

Squirmles - These are supposed to be super-magical fake pets that wiggle and squirm and do tricks and flips and become your best friend. I have no idea if that's true, but they were cheap enough to take a chance on, especially considering I saw these in an aquarium gift shop for $8.
Price: $2.88 for a pack of 2.

Batteries - Ever get a present that required batteries and didn't come with batteries? Yeah, me too. These are crummy batteries, but at least enough to last through Christmas day.
Price: $0.97 per pack of 4, AA and AAA.

Modeling Clay - My baby brother is a very creative type and has been having a ball playing with clay at school lately. Problem with school clay is that they only let you use it once a week in art class.
Price: $0.97 for 4 colors.

Drinking Straws - They go with the cups. And come in super-crazy neon colors. They can be used to consume the lemonade.
Price: $0.98 for pack of 50.

Lemonade & Hawaiian Punch Packets - My brother loves lemonade, and these Wyler's packets are my favorite. I also threw in some Hawaiian punch mix because kids should be hopped up on fake sugar as much as possible on Christmas.
Price: $1.00 for 10 Wyler's Lemonade packets.
Price: $1.00 for 8 Hawaiian Punch packets.

Angry Birds Socks - Boys always need more socks. Always. Like, always. These socks have Angry Birds on them and actually feel like pretty decent quality.
Price: $4.97 for pack of 5 assorted designs.

Critter Clips - These are supposedly keychains. I don't know what they are or what they're supposed to be, but I thought they were cute (in a boy-acceptable way) so I bought them. I figure he can clip them onto his backpack.
Price: $0.97 for 2.

Reese's - There has to be candy in a stocking. This is a non-negotiable fact of life.
Price: $1.00 for 6 peanut butter cups.

Eyeball Magnets - I made some really cool googly eye magnets and threw a few into his stocking. I considered giving him the magnets and eyes separately and letting him make them himself, but I couldn't resist stealing some for my own fridge.
Price: $2.94 for 18 magnets and 12 googly eyes.

Including the stuff that couldn't be squeezed in, that brings us to a total of $40, which is very very doable considering there are $5 socks and a $10 watch in there.

What are your favorite stocking stuffers? Let me know in the comments!

New Blog

Hello, internet.

I'm still alive!

I've been focusing on my other blog, My Half Assed Kitchen, lately and haven't been around much. If you'd like to keep up with more current deliciousness, visit me there!

Happy Fall!

Garden Update

I have nothing terribly interesting to say today, but my garden (read: the garden my roommate so diligently maintains so that I can eat all the produce and talk about "my" garden on the internet) has been going wild. The gourd vines have stretched outside the garden fence and the pumpkin vines are growing up the corn stalks.

The peppers are gorgeous (there are two on there):

 
The tomato plants aren't doing so hot thanks to the heat:

And I have my first baby cucumber!

How are your gardens faring this year?

DIY All-Natural Toothpaste Review and How-To

In an attempt to detoxify my bathroom I brought my brother over to whip up a batch of healthy homemade toothpaste.

I took to the internet and read up on a variety of DIY toothpaste recipes. I combined a few of them and gathered my ingredients.

 

We decided to use coconut oil, baking soda, and essential oils. Many of the recipes also include sea salt, but because I didn't have any (and I'm not entirely convinced sea salt is the miracle substance its hyped to be) we omitted it.

 

   

We made a single batch of of orange flavored toothpaste (3 tablespoons of baking soda, 3 tablespoons of coconut oil, and ten drops of orange essential oil) and a double batch of peppermint toothpaste (6 tablespoons of baking soda, 6 tablespoons of coconut oil, and 25 drops of peppermint essential oil).

  

We mixed everything up and toted our new toothpaste into the bathroom. We each scooped a little onto our toothbrushes (he tried the orange, I tried the mint) and started brushing.

Approximately four seconds later we started spitting into the sink.

This stuff is DISGUSTING. Absolutely terrible. I'd rather brush my teeth with shampoo. Not kidding. I will NEVER try this again. We were both very disappointed (me especially, since I used up the last of my flouride-packed store bought toothpaste this morning) and decided the only remaining use for this goop was to play a prank on our most accessible nuisance: my roommate (just kidding--I love my roomie). He was a very good sport about it but just as repulsed as we were.

Have you made your own toothpaste? Have you had better luck than we did? Please tell me your secret!

So You Think You're in Love...

So you think you've found the love of your life? Congratulations! Mazel tov! Many high fives to you! Now, march that hot little butt off yours straight to the race track and put all your money on the other guy's horse. 

That's right. You heard me. All of it. Every last dime, including that one you stuck your ABC gum to and hid under the couch. 

Why, you ask? Because if you think you've found The One, your soul mate, the parent of your future children, the person you were meant for, you are probably wrong. We're talking 2+2=73 wrong. Making your toast underwater wrong. Kaley Cuoco with blunt bangs wrong.

Sorry to burst your bubble. Next round is on me.

Face it: 91.8% (give or take) of all relationships fail miserably. That cute girl you dated in college? She's on twelve different prescriptions to keep her from sitting on the water fountain singing the Barney theme song. That dreamy hunk in the sales department? Puts on a pair of pumps every Saturday night and serves up cocktails as "Sabrina." Oh, and that hottie you've been making eyes at all week? Your second cousin, on the wrong side.

So you see, love is not on your side. Cupid has cashed in his 401k and bought a houseboat. You, my friend, are shit out of luck.

Probably.

There does exist that teeny tiny 8.2% chance for a successful relationship. It's very rare (keep in mind that your grandparents are eating up a good chunk of that 8%) but every once in a while two fortunate souls find each other in the hubbub of life and live moderately happily ever after. If you think you may happen to have found yourself in this unique situation, good for you! I'm sorry you lost your wedding fund betting on a horse named Tugboat. Don't know what made you think that was a good idea.....

If you do think you've found the real deal, please consider taking some advice from me:

1. Keep it in Your Pants.
I know you don't want to, but do it anyway. Sounds corny, but the longer you wait the more special (and exciting) it will be. If things do work out you'll have plenty of time for crazy hot animal sex later. No need to whip out all your moves on the third date. Take it sloooow and enjoy the seductive process of getting to know each other.....and teasing each other with the prospect of the slightest touch.

2. Have a Talk.
While I don't recommend gazing into your lover's eyes 47 minutes into the first date and asking, "Where do you see this going?" I absolutely condone bringing up important topics as you start getting serious. You should find out where you partner stands on marriage, kids, religion, politics, and long-term goals before you go picking out a china pattern. Even something as simple as dog person vs. cat person can be a deal-breaker in the long run. It's better to find out now than have your pooch eat their cat six months in.

3. Live Life Together.
No, I don't mean shacking up (if you get there, great, but you're not there yet), I mean actually living your lives intertwined. When he has a bad day does he call you or does he go for a couple of drinks with the guys? When she's gone batcrap crazy in the name of PMS do you head for the hills or the Haagen-Dazs? Have you been through hell and back together? Until you can answer those question with an emphatic "yes!" and twelve stories about the shit you've drudged through together, I forbid you to go diamond shopping. The ultimate goal for romance is usually finding someone to share a lifetime with, and you need to be 100% positive your bond can handle the force of whatever might be thrown at you during that lifetime. </soapbox>

Now, before I leave you all disheartened and hating my guts, I will tell you that I am NOT successful in relationships. If you want to tell me I'm wrong (we're talking your-dog-went-to-live-on-a-farm wrong), by all means, let me have it. But if you've had bad luck in relationships, maybe, just maybe, consider taking a couple of my pointers and let me know how it works out for you.

10 Signs You Might Be Stressed

1. You just put your milk in the cupboard.

2. You rush through your morning routine only to arrive at work at a fashionably late 9:22am....on Saturday.

3. You've eaten nothing but Fritos and coffee for three days.

4. You're pretty sure you washed your hair twice this morning because you might have forgotten about the first time while you were in the shower.

5. Your boss tells you his presentation is in the bag. You spend the rest of your day looking for the bag.

6. A bottle of Tums has taken up residence in your purse, and in your car, and in your office drawer, and on your bathroom counter.

7. Your doctor asks if the bulging muscle in your neck is where you swallowed your twin in the womb.

8. You are seriously considering giving your ex a call because you had such good times together (aside from that thing where he kind of slept with that slut Amy while you went out of town, but maybe if you had phone sex like he asked when you went to visit your aunt in Ohio for a long weekend it never would have happened).

9. Your shoes match your belt (and your purse--good for you!) but you forgot to put on a bra.

10. Last night you had a dream about canoe shopping with Bugs Bunny and Sheldon Cooper.