Free Basic Calendar Download

Hello people of the internet!

I know I'm a little late to the party, but I needed a super-basic semi-cute calendar to use for my blog scheduling (for my other blog, My Half Assed Kitchen, plug plug) this year and ended up making my own. Since I spent a crazy amount time working on it I am sharing my efforts with you so I feel slightly less pathetic and dorky. I know it's not anything fantabulously special, but I like it and I hope it helps out somebody else out there.

This link should take you to the Google Drive version of the calendar where you can download and print it and give it to all your friends.

Here's a sneak peek:

If the link glitches out, please let me know and I will try to correct it.

Happy scheduling!

Why iPhone Users Suck

The iPhone is the most amazing thing to ever happen to portable technology, right?

Wrong.

The iPhone was the  worst thing to ever happen to mobile phone users and those who love them.

The iPhone induced selective amnesia in all its users. In an instant, a word was removed from their collective vocabulary. The word phone.

"Omigod, I just dropped my iPhone!"

Wait, you dropped your iPhone? Omigod, this is an emergency, isn't it! I mean, it's no big deal when I drop my, yaknow, phone, but you dropped your iPhone? This is serious!

"I just got this new case for my iPhone."

Hey, that's awesome! It must be so nice having an accessory with its own accessories. Very picture-in-picture, if you know what I mean.

"All my contacts are saved in my iPhone!"

Man, that is some sweet technology right there. I can only store contacts that start with Q in my phone.

I can't wait for the jPhone to come out and make all these suckers wandering around with their super-fancy iPhones look like idiots.

Me, I'll still be rocking my good old LG.

2014 New Years Resolutions

We just discussed my 2013 resolutions failures.

I have decided to set myself up for failure again in 2014. I am doing this by selecting the most cliche resolution of all time: losing weight.

Allow me to explain.

My weight has fluctuated pretty drastically over the last couple of years. I am currently 13 pounds heavier than I was when I had my license reissued this summer. That is not cool. My goal is to lose the 13 pounds during the first half of the year and STAY at that weight for the remainder of the year (and beyond).

Now, before you go ragging on me that I'm unhealthy and super fat and must be ugly and unlovable and I should hate myself for being bigger than a size 2, I would just like to tell you to shut the hell up because you aren't perfect either and in this particular instance you are flat-out WRONG.

Also, before you go ragging on me about accepting myself the way I am and not being defined by a number on a scale, I would like to say that you are misinformed. I really don't give a crap what I weigh. I am perfectly happy being 120 pounds if I look good and feel good, but I'm also perfectly happy being 170 pounds if I look good and feel good. The BMI scale is bologna and doesn't deserve the control it has over our current views on body size.

My primary reason for wanting to drop the weight is simply that I don't feel comfortable at my current size. My pants are too tight, my shirts are too short, and I personally find my disproportionate gut to be unattractive to me, which kills my confidence.

My secondary goal for the year is to rebuild my bank balance. I loved the sense of accomplishment I felt looking at my growing bank account, and I want to reclaim that and surpass my savings from 2013. Hopefully no dirtbags will steal my car this year. That would be nice.

What are you resolving to accomplish in 2014? Did you meet your goals for 2013?

2013 in Review and Resolutions Recap

2013 is almost over. Can you believe it? Here's a quick rundown on how my year went:

Crappy things that happened to me in 2013:

My car was stolen. 

My purse was stolen.

My aunt died.

My grandmother's cancer came back.

I got laid off two days before Thanksgiving.

I had to cancel my vacation to the lodge on the lake in the mountains.

Good things that happened to me in 2013:

I turned 21 and started drinking!

I read Harry Potter for the first time. I'm only in the fourth book now, so no spoilers!

I got two bonuses at work. Ya know, before getting laid off.

I discovered the music of Passenger.

I started a new blog.

I took my brother to the zoo for the first time.

I took my brother to Washington DC for the first time.

I voted for a political candidate I loved.

I got awesome car insurance on my new ride for mega cheap.

Now, let's discuss those New Years Resolutions I made a year ago.

1. Learn to Drink

So far I have learned vodka is only good when icy cold, tequila is best in margaritas, and if you put Captain Morgan in diet caffeine-free Dr. Pepper it actually tastes like Dr. Pepper again. I haven't been hungover yet, nor have a been drunk drunk yet, but I think I'm okay with waiting to experience both of those situations.

2. Find a Boyfriend

This backfired. Had it not backfired to me, myself, it could quite possibly have been hilarious. Let me share with you the story. I had a crush. For, like, two years. My crush left for nine months. When he came back for a weekend, we went out for coffee. When he came back for good I asked him to go check out the meteor shower with me (dark, stars, blanket, field...I thought this had romantic potential). He called me an hour before we were supposed to meet telling me his recently-extracted tooth was killing him and he didn't think he'd be good company. Then I didn't hear from him. Then I heard he had a date with my nemesis. And I fell apart. And then I waited another month or so and asked him (via text) if he was seeing her. He said no. I said, "In that case, do you want to come over for dinner and a movie?" He said yes. We were both busy, though, and had to schedule this almost two weeks in advance. The day before the date we talked on the phone. He was still coming over. The day of the date, two hours before the date, he texted me to say he had to go visit his sick grandpa. I told him to let me know if he needed anything and that we'd reschedule. That was the last I ever heard from him. That was over two months ago. I have since discovered my nemesis was sleeping with him and he told her that I asked him out and she told him not to go. I have decided that he is a scumbag unworthy of my time and that if anybody ever wants to accidentally key my nemisis's car I would be okay with that. 

3. Save Money

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No. See, I actually had a lot of money. I had twice as much money as I started with. Then my car got stolen. Then my insurance company screwed me over. Then I had to buy a new car. With all my savings money. I now have a good 20% less than I started with, which sucks, but I'm still plugging along and putting away the money I can.

4. Keep Tabs on Money

This also flew out the window when my car got stolen. It's kind of depressing to watch all your hard earned and painstakingly saved money get ripped out of your hand by a scummy used car dealer. So I stopped writing down where my money was going. I still kept tabs on my bank account religiously to make sure I was well in the black and now wackos were using my cards, but I was much more passive about tracking the second half of the year.

5. Get Out More

This was a total fail. Like, total. You know what the opposite of getting out more is? Being unemployed and living on your couch in your jammies at least 50% of the time. Now, I'm not complaining, I like my jammies, but I should probably make a more concerted effort to leave the house in the future.

Ordinarily this would be the part of the post where I ask you how your new years resolutions turned out. Instead, I am going to ask you to (please) post your most discouraging boy story for the rest of us to laugh at. I could use some company feeling like an idiot in the romance department.

A Peek Into My Brother's Stoking (aka: budget friendly stocking stuffers for 8 year old boys)

Every year I put together my brother's stocking.

Every year I swear his stocking shrinks.

Here's all the gear I bought to stuff into his stocking this year:

Here's all the gear that didn't fit:

That's actually pretty good, if you ask me. I have ninja stocking stuffing skillz.

Here's a rundown on what actually made it in, and the prices:

Packs of Plastic Cutlery - I was hanging out with my brother last week when he poured himself a bowl of cereal and then began to rummage around in the back of a drawer, emerging with a plastic spoon he stole from the local frozen yogurt place. I come to find out he has entire collection of different colored spoons from the frozen yogurt place. The frozen yogurt place has since gone out of business. (Not because he was stealing spoons, I promise.) I decided to take it upon myself to enhance his collection with three packs of forks, spoons, and knives.
Price: $0.97 per pack of 24 pieces.

Plastic Cups - I found a pack of really cute snowman cups that match his skeleton cups from Halloween.
Price: $0.98 per pack of 4 cups.

Spikey Light-up Ball - It bounces. It flashes. It will hurt when he chucks it at his other sister. It's perfect.
Price: $1.00

Watch - When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he told me he wanted a watch, but he didn't want a digital watch and he wanted it to have a soft band (not like mine). I had a bear of a time trying to find an easy-read analog watch that was small enough to not cause scoliosis. Finally I found a women's watch (shhhh!) that fit the bill. I chose to use it as a stocking stuffer instead of a present since nothing is worse than opening a really boring present and going "Oh, wow, it's greeeeat, thanks..."
Price: $9.98

Magnifying Glass - I don't think frying ants and plastic army men with a magnifying glass is still cool, but you never know.
Price: $0.94

Squirmles - These are supposed to be super-magical fake pets that wiggle and squirm and do tricks and flips and become your best friend. I have no idea if that's true, but they were cheap enough to take a chance on, especially considering I saw these in an aquarium gift shop for $8.
Price: $2.88 for a pack of 2.

Batteries - Ever get a present that required batteries and didn't come with batteries? Yeah, me too. These are crummy batteries, but at least enough to last through Christmas day.
Price: $0.97 per pack of 4, AA and AAA.

Modeling Clay - My baby brother is a very creative type and has been having a ball playing with clay at school lately. Problem with school clay is that they only let you use it once a week in art class.
Price: $0.97 for 4 colors.

Drinking Straws - They go with the cups. And come in super-crazy neon colors. They can be used to consume the lemonade.
Price: $0.98 for pack of 50.

Lemonade & Hawaiian Punch Packets - My brother loves lemonade, and these Wyler's packets are my favorite. I also threw in some Hawaiian punch mix because kids should be hopped up on fake sugar as much as possible on Christmas.
Price: $1.00 for 10 Wyler's Lemonade packets.
Price: $1.00 for 8 Hawaiian Punch packets.

Angry Birds Socks - Boys always need more socks. Always. Like, always. These socks have Angry Birds on them and actually feel like pretty decent quality.
Price: $4.97 for pack of 5 assorted designs.

Critter Clips - These are supposedly keychains. I don't know what they are or what they're supposed to be, but I thought they were cute (in a boy-acceptable way) so I bought them. I figure he can clip them onto his backpack.
Price: $0.97 for 2.

Reese's - There has to be candy in a stocking. This is a non-negotiable fact of life.
Price: $1.00 for 6 peanut butter cups.

Eyeball Magnets - I made some really cool googly eye magnets and threw a few into his stocking. I considered giving him the magnets and eyes separately and letting him make them himself, but I couldn't resist stealing some for my own fridge.
Price: $2.94 for 18 magnets and 12 googly eyes.

Including the stuff that couldn't be squeezed in, that brings us to a total of $40, which is very very doable considering there are $5 socks and a $10 watch in there.

What are your favorite stocking stuffers? Let me know in the comments!

New Blog

Hello, internet.

I'm still alive!

I've been focusing on my other blog, My Half Assed Kitchen, lately and haven't been around much. If you'd like to keep up with more current deliciousness, visit me there!

Happy Fall!

Garden Update

I have nothing terribly interesting to say today, but my garden (read: the garden my roommate so diligently maintains so that I can eat all the produce and talk about "my" garden on the internet) has been going wild. The gourd vines have stretched outside the garden fence and the pumpkin vines are growing up the corn stalks.

The peppers are gorgeous (there are two on there):

 
The tomato plants aren't doing so hot thanks to the heat:

And I have my first baby cucumber!

How are your gardens faring this year?